Well you crazy kids, I’ve been home for over 2 weeks now. Time flies, blahblahblah. I guess now is a proper time to reflect on my long time back here on the mainland.
Utah is cold. VERY COLD. You may be under the impression that hell is hot. This is false. Hell is lined with ice and is covered in 12 inches of snow. Hell is icy freeways and a car that is a little junky in this weather. (GTI, I love ya, but we gotta work on this.) H-e-double hockey sticks has biting winds that howl all freaking night like the devil is knocking on your door (which is actually probably the case in hell). Hell is spending 4 hours chipping at the ice on your driveway only to have it dump snow later that evening. Utah is so cold that it makes your skin flake and crack because the air is so dry. I think I may be slowly turning into either an alligator or a snake.
Utah drivers are some of the worst I have ever encountered. They beat out the senior citizens of Prescott, Arizona. This was previously not thought to be possible. Here’s the problem. I hate minivans, and frankly I think that if a minivan is your vehicle of choice, you need a little bit of mental help (except my aunt meg. she freakin owns the minivan and she is the coolest). Sure, they’re efficient and convenient. But I have an issue with the mom in the front seat, putting on her makeup/slapping kids in the back/putting on said childrens missing clothing/texting/writing someone a happy birthday message on Facebook/trying unsuccessfully to drive. Yes, going 15 over the speed limit, on the freeway, when there is clearly snow falling from the sky and ice covering the payment, with your 5 children in the backseat is FOR SURE THE SAFEST WAY TO TRANSPORT YOURSELF AND YOUR FAMILY. Then, in the other car next to you, you have the teenager who is trying to drive while also texting/snapchatting/checking the likes on instagram. That comes in a close second. Yeah, I’m not a perfect driver either. I’ve sent the occasional text and it’s a fact that I’m a hypocrite. Relax.
I was not made out for the loafing life. I’ve been sitting around on my keister for the last 2 weeks and it’s not my favorite thing in the world. There’s just not that much to do (sue me) and the same routine ALL DAY EVERY DAY. Yeah there’s more I could do but that requires a form of currency (usually money) of which I do not have. I do not have money because I do not have a job. I do not have a job because I’m a lazy slob GET OFF ME SHEESH
Home wards are weird, singles wards are weird, the gospel is awesome. Home wards are weird because everyone has kids and there are a minimum of 4 children crying at any given time. Everyone talks about their families and then they give you a i’m-not-judging-you-but-i-kind-of-am type of look when you say that you’re not yet engaged/dating/planning for a mission. Singles wards are even worse, because it’s mostly dudes who are at least 28 and there’s a reason they’re in the singles ward. NOW DON’T GET ME WRONG: this is not an anti church opinion. I’m just anti people. Sorry (kinda).
Now I’ve got to go wash my scaly face and drive to the airport to get my sweet pops so we can celebrate the new year.